ONE of the greatest challenges a Muslim will ever face
is being a parent. This
is one challenge, however, many of us are least
prepared for. Allah tells us in
the Qur'an that our children are our trial and as such
we should take the task
of parenting seriously, and start learning from each
other. In my experience in
dealing with my own family and counseling other Muslim
families, a model has
developed based on what I call "The Positive
Approach".
Compassion (Rahmah)
Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) stated: "He is
not of us who does not
have compassion for his fellow beings." It is
interesting to note that when it
comes to Hadith like this or Qur'anic quotes dealing
with human behavior, we
never stop to think that our children and family
members are also our fellow
human beings and that these golden rules must also be
applied to them.
Compassion is only one component of the concept of
mercy (rahmah) — the others
being kindness, respect, and of course love. Remember
the displeasure of Prophet
Muhammad (peace be upon him) when Al-Aqra Ibn Habis
told him how he had never
kissed any of his 10 children. Upon hearing that
Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon
him) told him, "You have no mercy and tenderness at
all. Those who do not show
mercy to others will not have God's mercy shown to
them."
Consultation (Shoura)
The Prophet (peace be upon him) has related that
Allah says: "Oh My servant. I
look on high-handedness as something not permissible
for Myself, and I have
forbidden it for you. So do not oppress each other".
When we consult with each
other in the domestic realm, both husband and wife
must show respect for each
other. This is one of the best ways to bond and to
learn and listen to each
other and to resolve conflicts. However, the
consultation will only be fruitful
if it is sincere and not merely a formality.
Imposition of one's ideas with
scant regard to the welfare of the whole family unit
defeats the purpose of the
most important Qur'anic principle.
Cooperation
The concept of cooperation in Islam is most
beautifully illustrated in Surah
Al-Asr : "... counsel each other to the truth (haq),
and counsel each other to
patience and fortitude (sabr)". When a family unit
cooperates in this manner,
they truly capture the spirit of Islam — the welfare
of each member of the
family becomes the concern of the other.
Commitment
It is extremely important that our families commit
themselves as a unit to
Allah and His Prophet (peace be upon him ): "Obey
Allah and His Prophet and
those in authority over you" (Surah An-Nisa). This
collective commitment gives
us an identity and maps out our purpose — namely that
we all belong to Allah and
are accountable and responsible to Him.
Communication
Communication is more than talking. It is an
essential part of family life. It
is both talking in a manner in which others can
understand you, and hearing in a
manner in which you can listen and understand others.
So many times people claim
that they have no communication problem since they are
always talking. However,
the majority of the time they are talking "at" and not
talking "to" the other
person. This mode usually results in the recipient
tuning out. Many children
learn at an early age to tune out their parents. When
communication is a means
of listening, understanding, and exchanging ideas, it
is the most powerful tool
to effective parenting and the best shield against
peer and societal pressures.
It also teaches children skills to solve problems.
An important component of positive communication is
a sense of humor when
parents and children can laugh together. Communication
can also be instrumental
in passing down family history and thus creating
oneness and togetherness by
sharing a mutual heritage (children love to hear about
family stories).
Consistency
Effective parenting requires that we are consistent
in our value judgments,
discipline, and moral standards. Many parents
inadvertently apply double
standards to boys and girls when it comes to social
behavior and domestic
chores. This is unacceptable, and leads to sibling
rivalry and stereotypical
males and females.
Confidentiality
Family is with whom we can feel safe and secure.
Where we know our secrets are
safe and where there is mutual trust. Unfortunately,
we parents often betray the
trust of our children when we discuss their concerns
which they confide in us to
outsiders. This leads to mistrust, and sooner or later
our children will stop
confiding in us. This leads them to find confidants
outside the family, and
sometimes this can be detrimental to their spiritual
and moral growth.
Contentment
The greatest gift we can give our children is that
of contentment. This can be
developed very early in life by encouraging our
children to give thanks to Allah
for all they have by discouraging materialism by word
and example, and by
counting the blessings every night and remembering the
less fortunate.
Confidence
It is the duty of parents to build confidence in
their children through
encouragement and honest and sincere praise. By
developing confidence, we give
our children the courage to stand up for themselves
and their beliefs and to be
able to deal with opposition.
Control
By teaching restraint and avoiding excesses we
develop in our children traits
for control so that they do not become slaves to their
desires (nafs).
Calm
By encouraging and showing calm in matters of
adversity and in times of panic
we improve our taqwa and teach our children to rely on
Allah and to turn to
Allah alone for all needs. Allah says in the Qur'an
that the best statement of
the believers in times of adversity or musibah is,
"Indeed we are from Allah and
to Him is our return."
Courage
Courage of conviction can only be achieved when we
have been able to teach our
children true Islam. We should take advantage of every
learning opportunity as a
family so that our faith (iman) flourishes and evolves
toward Ihsan as a family
unit. In this manner we can be a source of strength to
each other.
Critical thinking
The Qur'an encourages us over and over again to
think, reflect, ponder,
understand and analyze. However, very rarely do
parents encourage children to
question. Our response to difficult inquiries from our
children is to say "do it
because I said so". This discourages the children from
developing critical
thinking. They become lazy and complacent and easy
prey to cult type following.
To take things at face value makes us vulnerable.
Charity
The most important attitude of a Muslim personality
is, as Prophet Muhammad
(peace be upon him) stated : "Do you not wish that
Allah forgives you? Then
forgive your brothers and sisters". Many relationships
break because people are
not able to forgive each other. It is important that
parents make up in front of
their children by forgiving each other after an
argument. Prophet Muhammad
(peace be upon him) stated "Like for your brother what
you like for yourself".
So if husbands and wives expect respect from each
other they should give
respect. A charitable nature also encourages us to
overlook people with their
shortcomings and to be sensitive and to have
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