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NADEEM F. PARACHA
DISCLAIMER: The following
article is a work of satire and fiction and in no way attempts to depict events
in real life.
In September 2012, a
15-year-old school girl from Pakistan’s Swat valley was reported to have been
shot in the face and head by a Taliban activist.
The attack caused outrage
around the world and the news was given widespread coverage in the local and
international media.
Malala was reported to have
barely survived after doctors in Pakistan and then England performed multiple
surgeries on her face and head.
Today Malala lives in the UK
and has repeatedly vowed to continue working for the cause of women’s education
in Pakistan, especially in those areas of the country where extremists and
militant outfits are said to have been blowing up girls’ schools.
But this is just one side of
the whole story. The narrative about what really happened on the day Malala was
allegedly shot has mostly been weaved by the Western media.
In April this year, Dawn.com
sent a group of its most seasoned reporters to Swat to undertake an intensive
five-month investigation of the event. Their collective findings unearthed a
series of some stunning disclosures (with evidence) that are bound to
affectively challenge the mainstream narrative of the Malala story.
The following are the major
findings of the investigation:
• Malala was not born in Swat
and neither is she a Pushtun. A respected medical doctor in Swat, Imtiaz Ali
Khanzai, who runs a private hospital and clinic in Swat told our reporters that
he has a DNA report that proves that Malala is not Pushtun.
Showing us the report, he said
he extracted Malala’s DNA when as a child she visited his clinic (with her
parents) complaining of an earache.
“After she was supposedly shot
last year, I remembered I had a bottle where I had kept some of her earwax,”
the doctor explained. “Collecting earwax of my patients is a hobby of mine,” he
added.
He went on to claim that
according to the DNA, Malala is a Caucasian, most probably from Poland.
After the discovery, the doctor
called Malala’s father and told him that he knew who Malala was. “
“He was stunned and began to
stutter,” the doctor said. “He pleaded that I did not make my findings public.
I told him I wouldn’t but only if he told me the whole truth.”
Malala’s father told the doctor
that Malala’s real name was Jane and she was born in Hungary in 1997. Her real
biological parents were Christian missionaries who, after traveling to Swat in
2002, left Malala as a gift to her adopted parents after they secretly
converted to Christianity.
Dr. Khanzai’s DNA extraction kit
When our reporters asked the
doctor why he was revealing Malala’s real identity now, he said he was
convinced that Malala was planted in Swat by anti-Pakistan elements.
He then added that he can also
prove that the young man who shot her was not a Pushtun either. “I have his
earwax as well,’ he claimed.
After extracting the DNA of the
shooter’s earwax, the doctor discovered that he was probably from Italy. He
then invited our reporters to look at the man’s earwax under a microscope.
“Those tiny yellow bits that
you see in the wax are bits of pizza,” he explained.
The doctor told us that in
January 2012 he emailed his findings to some senior members of Pakistan’s
intelligence agency, the ISI.
After a few days his clinic was
raided by the police. He was in Saudi Arabia at the time collecting earwax
samples of some members of the Saudi royal family. His staff at the clinic was
harassed by the police who wanted to know where he kept the earwax samples.
Pizza?
In June this year, the doctor
was visited by a young ISI officer who apologised to him about the police raid
and told him that the ISI were well aware of Malala’s real identity. After much
coaxing on our part, the doctor eventually gave us the cell phone number of the
ISI officer.
However, the officer kept
refusing to talk to us but finally relented on the condition that we refer to
him as ‘Master X’.
Master X met one of our
reporters at an abandoned girls’ school in lower Swat. To hide his face, the
officer wore a Spiderman mask.
Talking to the reporter he
said: “This had to come out one day. And I just couldn’t let myself continue to
keep such a dangerous secret hidden. I am a true patriot.”
He then added: ‘My father once
told me, ‘Peter, with great power comes great responsibility’.’
The officer
His revelations led us to our
next shocking discovery (with evidence):
• Malala’s shooting was staged
by intelligence agencies. The officer told the reporter that the whole shooting
incident was a stunt planned by Pakistani and US agencies to pave the way for
the Pakistani army’s invasion of North Waziristan: “It was all a drama,” he
explained. “It was staged so the Pakistan army would have an excuse to invade
North Waziristan.”
When asked why he was using the
word ‘invasion’ when North Waziristan was a part of Pakistan, the officer
replied: “North Waziristan is an autonomous Islamic Emirates. It has been like
that for centuries. But our history books distort the facts and teach our
children that it is part of Pakistan. The area has unimaginable amounts of oil,
gold, copper, silver, bronze, coal, diamonds, gas and fossilised dinosaur
remains underneath its rugged grounds. That’s what the Americans are after.”
Our reporter then asked whether
he had any evidence to prove his claim.
The officer pulled out a few
photographs and showed it to the reporter. The photographs showed a few bones.
“Dinosaur bones,” he explained.
He added: “These were excavated
in North Waziristan by the archaeology division of the Taliban. After they were
studied by the geology division of the Taliban, it had traces of oil, gold,
copper, silver, bronze, coal, diamonds and gas.”
One of the photographs showing dinosaur bones
excavated from the grounds of North Waziristan.
What about the evidence proving
that the shooting was staged by American and Pakistani agencies?
Pulling out a piece of paper,
the officer said: “This is the evidence. It was decoded by the Taliban’s
division of quantum physics.”
The paper had screen shots of a
brief exchange of tweets on Twitter between one ‘Lib Fish’ and ‘Oil Gul.’
The officer said that Lib Fish
was actually a CIA operative based in Qatar and Oil Gul was an ISI sleuth on
Twitter based in Lahore. The exchange was intercepted and decoded by one
‘Tsunami Mommy’ who is based in Swabi in the Khyber Pakhtunkwa province in
Pakistan and is an engineer by profession.
We are publishing the Twitter
exchange between Lib Fish and Oil Gul that was provided to us by the officer:
@LibFish Yo, @OilGul,
how goes life?
@OilGul Life’s
kool, mate.
@LibFish @OilGul Any
chance of visiting Qatar soon?
@OilGul @LibFish Haha.
Soon after I’m done with my O level exams. They suck.
@LibFish @OilGul Haha.
Yea, they do, don’t they?
The officer told us that
Tsunami Mommy jumped in after he realised what was taking place:
@Tsunami_Mommy Agents!
I know what you two do. Anti-Islam anti-Pakistan bastaaas. @OilGul
@LibFish
@OilGul Dude,
who are you? Why are you trolling us?
@Tsunami_Mommy Shup
ut fake liberalz fascist agents IK is best you bastaaas NA250 rigging 1 billion
fake liberalz votes anti-Pakistan anti-Islam inshallah Nya Bakistan tabdeeli …
The officer said he used famous
Pakistani linguist and WW-II code-breaker, Mustansar Hussain Tarar, to decode
the suspicious Twitter exchange and that is when he discovered that the CIA and
the ISI were planning the fake shooting.
He also gave the reporter the
manuscript of the book that Tsunami Mommy was writing on the shooting after
piecing together the evidence (with evidence) provided by the doctor, the
officer and Mustansar Hussain Tarar.
The book’s title will be ‘A
Fake Shooting of a Fake Liberal by a Fake Liberal, You Bastaaas.’
Below is the brief summary of
what the manuscript claims:
October 1, 1997: Malala
is born to Hungarian parents in Budapest and named Jane.
October 4, 2002: The
parents are recruited by the CIA and given a crash course in evangelical
Christianity, hypnosis and karate.
October 7, 2003: They
land in Pakistan and head for Swat posing as NGO workers. They get in touch
with a low-level ISI agent, and convert the family to Christianity, leaving
Jane with him. He changes her name to Malala and instils in her the fear of
Jesus.
October 30, 2007: Malala
starts to write a blog that asks the militants of Swat to put down their
weapons, pick up a Bible and boogie.
October 21, 2011: The
militants request her to stop writing her evangelical blogs and finish her
homework instead.
October 1, 2012: CIA
recruits a Pashtu speaking Italian-American loner (Robert) living in New York
and gives him a crash course in gun-slinging and acting.
October 7, 2012: CIA
shares plan of Malala’s fake shooting with the ISI. The ISI agrees and gives
Malala and her parents a briefing.
October 11, 2012: The
Italian-America arrives in Swat posing as an Uzbek homeopath.
The fake gunman moments before taking a flight
to Pakistan.
October 12, 2012: Robert
is given a gun that is loaded with blanks. He intercepts Malala’s school van
and fires blanks at her. She pretends to be hit and squeeze opens a small pack
of Mitchel’s Tomato Ketchup she is hiding in one of her hands and rubs the
ketchup all over her face. A fake ambulance suddenly arrives on the scene and
takes away Malala. The world is told that she was shot in the face and head by
a Taliban fanatic.
The story that ran in the media
quoted Malala’s friends in the van saying that the gunman asked for Malala and
then shot her.
But the officer shared with us
the testimony of one of Malala’s friends that was repressed by vested interests
in the media.
According to the testimony, a
man stopped the van and shouted (in Pashtu), ‘who is Jane … I mean, Jeanette …
no, Alberta Joan Lucas?’
The girls looked at each other
in confusion and the driver was about to drive away when the gunman pulled out
a gun and started to shout: ‘Uno momento, un momento …’
Then looking at a girl he
asked: ‘You lookin’ at me?’ At which Malala threw down her school bag and
shouted (in Italian): ‘No you idiot, I AM lookin’ at you. Malala, Malala,
remember? Fool.’
Saying, ‘Oh,’ he shot her (with
the blanks).
• The girl that the media was
shown in the hospital was not Malala. The officer shared with
us some photographs to prove this. He first showed us a video (on his iPhone)
that he shot hours after the shooting. It shows Malala joyfully bungee jumping
on the hills near River Swat.
Malala bungee jumping hours after she was
allegedly ‘shot.’
Then the officer informed us
that the doctor had the earwax samples of the girl in the hospital. When we
contacted the doctor again and asked what the samples proved he said that the
DNA he extracted from the sample suggests that the girl in the hospital was not
a girl at all. It was a pillow.
He said he had managed to sneak
into the operating room (posing as a postman) and while he was secretly drawing
out earwax from the girl’s ears, he managed to take a picture of the girl with
his Nokia phone.
‘I came back and was shocked
when I enlarged the picture,’ he said.
He then gave us a printout of
the picture …
We believe there is now enough
evidence for Pakistan and the international community to have a serious re-look
at the Malala story and demand that the United Nations orders a full
investigation into the matter.
—DISCLAIMER: The above
article is a work of satire and fiction and in no way attempts to depict events
in real life.
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