Uncle touched me the wrong way!
There are a lot of things new in Pakistan; or perhaps, I am old enough to know those now!
As we all know that most things are hidden from children in Pakistan. Well, let me rephrase it, most things are hidden from unmarried girls in Pakistan.
Things were hidden from us.
Now I see people talking openly about rape that how and why it happens and what should we do to protect the victims.
There is one more thing that no one had talked about in Pakistan, at least not anyone I knew, until recently.
And that is sexual abuse of little children.
In fact, it was not even talked about in America much until recently.
I think Operah was one of the first ones to talk about it.
She sat on Tv one day and cried her eyes out that how she was sexually abused by every cousin in her family.
So, the ones who do not know much, might think that sexual abuse of a child is common among African Americans only.
Think again!
or let me tell you.
It was another shock to me to see American women openly talking about the sexual abuse that happened to them in their childhood.
I am a doctor and have spoken with hundreds of American women over the years. Woman after woman, white or black, has admitted to being sexually abused as a child.
Then celebrities started coming out on that. Allen degenerous was sexually abused by her aunt's husband at age of fourteen.
Desperate house wives's star, terry hatcher, was sexually abused by aunt's husband at age of five.
I was surprised to see that every woman that I asked if she was ever sexually abused as a child, was indeed sexually abused as a child.
Some in Pakistan think that sexual abuse is common in America due to the sexual freedom here.
If no one ever said anything about sexual abuse in Pakistan, it must not be happening. Right?
Wrong. It does happen.
Nadia khan talked about it once on her show and she said, I Quote, "every child in pakistan experiences sexual abuse of some sort growing up".
Now that is a pretty big statement.
Now, I hope that the rate of sexual abuse of children is not that high in Pakistan and it is not every child who experiences it.
It is very hard to do a true research on it. People do not talk about this and do not be honest.
When you define sexual molestation, it is not only the actual act of sexual intercourse; it also includes if someone said something inappropriate to a child, if someone inappropriately touched a child and if someone showed their genitals to a child.
That all very well qualifies for sexual abuse of some sort.
I remember that growing up it was the neighbor's thirteen year old boy who would flash his genitals to little girls playing around. Then he would also try to touch little girls of neighborhood inappropriately.
Finally, he was complained about and was sent away to a boarding school by his parents.
I never experienced any sexual moves or advances or inappropriate behavior by any uncles, cousins or any males in the family.
Another thing that I remember from my childhood was doctor uncle's servant.
We had a doctor uncle in the neighborhood who lived in a big hospital in a big house. All the servants of the hospital were his servants as well. One of them lived in the servant house there.
We went to the hospital to play on the swings on the weekends. Once I felt that servant had touched me inappropriately while giving the swing a push.
I immediately got off the swing and refused to swing again and doctor uncle's daughter kept asking me that why did I not want to swing anymore.
I had no reply. I was not certain what had exactly happened. whatever it was, it was uncomfortable.
If my mother had ever discussed with me that something like that by a man is inappropriate act of sexual advancement, I would have complained to my mom about him. I know now that what it was, then I did not understand.
Now I look back and remember the stories that doctor uncle's daughter told us about that servant periodically. How she walked in to that servant's house once and accidently saw him naked. I wonder now if it was really accidental? And most of all, was it all that she experienced?
I decided to do some research on this. How common sexual abuse really is in Pakistan?
Found a video of a Pakistani comedian on the net in which he said the same thing; that 10 of his friends sat one day and talked about it. All ten boys and girls were sexually abused in one form or another as a child. He too said the same thing that Nadia Khan said, "sexual abuse rate is 100 percent in Pakistan".
Now, again, accuracy of that statement is not easy to establish.
I do not know what shocked you in this statement made by a Pakistani comedian, but it was my first time hearing about the sexual abuse of a boy.
What???
They abuse their own gender as well?
It is not easy to understand for a Pakistani woman of middle class back ground that why men do it.
What I gathered finally was that male of any specie is created to procreate, so, it is not their fault that whenever they look at a female of the same specie, they immediately want to procreate, the thing they were created to do.
Sure, they have done other things along the way as well, like going to moon and inventing big screen TV.
But then this theory immediately fails when you hear that male sexual abuse by another male is a lot more common than the sexual abuse of a female.
Yes, believe me, I have researched.
Now, do not they know that they can not make each other pregnant? why do they even try?
And how the hell they invented big screen TV if they do not even know such obvious fact?
Not to mention the servant of my best friend who got caught trying to make their dog pregnant.
One wonders that what kind of child did he want? Half dog and half man?
I asked few of my guy friends if they were sexually abused as a child.
Ahmad said:
"Yes, whenever I rode the bus, there were pathans who would rub me the wrong way or touch me the wrong way"
Asif said:
" I actually walked in on my 8th grade teacher sodomizing the most brilliant boy in our class. That boy went to king Edward medical college later. And yes, once I was sitting in the bus and a guy sat next to me and grabbed me and I stood up immediately and left that seat"
Are you surprised yet? Perhaps not. Perhaps you already knew that.
So, good news is that they loot and grab each other's "honor" a lot more than they are after our "honor".
Then these guys also told me that sexual abuse of sodomy is very very common in villages and schools of Pakistan.
It is common among the same age group boys and also slightly older boys from senior classes do that to younger boys.
(but it is only woman who has to cover her face after rape!)
Now, progressing in my research, I shared this info with few older women of the family just to see if they knew that it happens.
To my surprise, some of them said that they knew.
"So, why the hell you people never mention it to your children".
See, that angers me. Pakistanis think that saying the word "sex" in presence of a child is a sin, when the same child is getting the wrong information and abuse from outside.
Will it not be wise for these parents to actually sit with their little kids and tell them that how no body is supposed to touch them?
Part of this ignorance is Zia-ul-haq's gift to the nation. All kinds of talks were banned in newspapers and TV when he was alive. Zia-ul-Haq has single handedly taken the country centuries back.
Continuing my research, I came across the story that how Saima saw her one daughter pulling down her other daughter's pants and when Saima inquired, she found out that 13 year old male servant plays this little game with the girls when mom goes to market leaving girls behind with him.
And stories like these were endless.
An uncle asking the little servant girl to touch his penis.
A 70 year old father-in- law of my friend asking their 14 year old female servant if she needed a new bra!
And then the worst; real paternal grand father touched his four year old grand daughter several times until the mother, my friend, found out and threw the grand father out the house.
Man, who are these people?!!!!
And how many of us have them in form of brothers, fathers, uncles, cousins and father in laws?After all these are someone's men!
It is ultimately parents responsibility to protect a child from sexual abuse. It is 100 percent parent's fault if a child is abused sexually.
You do your best before you leave the rest to God.
Do not leave your children alone with a servant. Do not leave your children alone with uncles.
Never leave a child alone with a male adult period.
In our culture, we always blame the woman and the child. It is never ever a child's fault if he/she is abused.
Now, there is one more interesting fact that I found out during my research. These sexual abusers, who are neither gay and nor pedophiles, actually treat these kids very nicely.
They buy them candy and the act itself does not cause injury or pain and kids might even enjoy engaging in such sort of activity at that time, it still is absolutely not a child's fault.
In fact, there is an interview video of a little boy on the net who tells that "when uncle touched my penis, it felt good, so I stood there, but I still felt it was not right".
Children do not know. It is your responsibility to protect them and tell them in clear words that an adult is not allowed to touch them at private places at all; unless that adult is a doctor and is doing so for examination purposes, after informing the parents and the child , in the presence of a chaperone.
Uncles should not put kids in their laps at all.
Every child should sit beside an adult and not in his/her lap.
Let us stop the childhood sexual abuse and if you catch an adult with a child, not only hit that adult as hard as you can yourself, turn the bastard right away to police.
PS. Names used in my article are not real.